Wrong.

With my first baby, the thought that I wouldn’t be able to feed never entered my mind. I don’t know why, I guess I didn’t want to overcomplicate nature with classes, books or buying a tin of formula ‘just in case’ etc. In fact, the thought of taking a breastfeeding class before you’ve even had a baby seemed ridiculous – you’re born with boobs, they have a job to do, you shove one in your newborn’s mouth and they drink right?  And it looks like this, all dreamy and lovey dovey, staring into each other’s eyes.

Breastfeeding photo by Aurimas Mikalauskas

I had it all planned out, I would feed baby for 12 months, and when I returned to work, just pop down to daycare and feed her on my lunch break – easy right? And you know what? Dumb luck for me – it totally was easy. Baby came out, found her way into the boob and 18 months later I had to go and get myself a nasty case of meningitis, where I enjoyed three luxurious nights drugged up in hospital just to wean my ravenous milk piggy. Note: I do not recommend a painful brain disease as a method of weaning your toddler.  As much as I was done feeding and I wanted her to stop, the abruptness of it all, knowing that she’d nursed her last nurse without any fanfare to mark this momentous occasion in our partnership left me kind of sad.

In any case, at some point I chucked out a whole unused tube of nipple cream and wondered what all the fuss was about.  All these people who give up feeding because of pain or latching problems etc must just be soft.

Wrong.

When I found out I was expecting baby number two, I was very much looking forward to the incredible bonding that breastfeeding offers. The dark snuggly midnight feeds where you catch a shadowy glimpse of a cheeky smile when they see what’s coming for their face. The one-on-one time where the world fades away as you study those ears wiggling as they swallow, and the milk dribbling from the corner of their mouth when they are finished and fall back milk-drunk in your arms. The sense of pride that you are singlehandedly continuing to grow your human that you already grew for the past 9 months. For a tiny person’s ouchies, bumps and bruises, a breast feed is like a cuddle on steroids.

Baby no 2 – come at me – I got this

Wrong.

The caesarian arrival of no 2 did not help kickstart our breastfeeding relationship. It was over an hour before I got to ask permission to feed my little girl. For the first few days she struggled, falling asleep at, or falling off the boob. I just thought she was a chilled little bub and at 4.15kg, she was a big baby, so I wasn’t too concerned about her weight. I’d been a world champion breastfeeder not that long ago, so I figured I didn’t really need the advice of the hospital nurses who kept coming in every five minutes to check her latch. I never thought I’d hear the words, “you just feed her on that side while I hand express some from your other nipple.”

Wrong

So to avoid them wanting me to syringe feed her, I started to lie and say I’d just fed her and she had fed fine. Little did I know that this terrible feeder would continue on in this fashion once we got home and I’d soon be begging for help.

By the second or third night at home I was crying in pain with the worst bleeding and squashed nipples you’ve seen. My husband made me go out and buy some nipple shields, which did make things less painful for me but she still wasn’t feeding any better. She had milk dribbling out of her mouth, was clicking, sucking in and swallowing air like nobody’s business, letting go or often just screaming at the sight of a nipple. Some awesome comfort I was to my very unhappy little colicky human. This was not what I had in mind when I imagined breastfeeding. It was traumatic for both of us.

“Put her on the bottle”, I hear you say… You and every other ‘expert’ commentator who would weigh in when they’d hear of our struggle. If only it was so simple. A bottle was almost as disastrous as breastfeeding – except at least it gave my poor boobs a break. Again, she’d be on and off the bottle take forever, dribble, gag, splutter, turn her head away and suck in air ending up with out of control wind pain / colic. In the middle of the night, between screams, my husband would comment that it sounded like she was drowning in milk. Not to mention the additional stress and strain that expressing and washing all those bottles and pump puts on an already time poor mum (I wasn’t ready to try formula yet).

I gave in and made an appointment with a lactation consultant at around 1 month old. Her brilliant suggestion to “swap sides”, was not exactly what I’d paid $100 to hear. And I felt like that was the end of the road, like I’d exhausted my last course of action. But one thing she commented on was Edie would curl her top lip inwards, and she encouraged me to flip it up. Of course, I couldn’t. She physically could not flange out her top lip, therefore could not create a seal. Nothing more was said at the time – completely remiss, because if diagnosed correctly as an upper lip tie at this stage, this could have saved months of heartache.

Where does this road lead? Well this is an ongoing battle in which we have made some progress. Given the next tangent in this story is in itself a novel, I’ve cut this post into two parts to keep on topic – my point here is that breastfeeding is NOT always a piece of cake, and no two babies are the same. If you see a mum out there preparing formula for her tiny baby, please don’t judge her, you don’t know the journey they’ve been on, breastfeeding can be bloody hard.  To read more about our own journey to deal with what ended up being an upper lip tie and its partner in crime, a posterior tongue tie, stay tuned, the second part of this blog post is on its way.

Photography: Aurimas Mikalauskas @Flicker

After a lovely “last supper” as a twosome (I had roast pork and crackling, a last ditch effort to get things moving – crackling is an old wives tale to bring on labour), instead of catching some zzz’s in the bank for later, we very stupidly stayed up til 11.30pm watching a Pirates of the Caribbean marathon. I was way too excited to sleep, but would live to regret that choice. Seriously though, what the hell was I even thinking?

We get to Pindara Hospital at midnight for a scheduled induction (4 days overdue and some other medical reasons I won’t go into here). Gel is put in at 12.30am, and I’m punched in the stomach with medium contractions almost immediately. As we are clearly in some kind of weird opposite-to-logic universe, hubby is sent home and I’m left to “sleep”. I couldn’t sleep due to pain and also not surprisingly could not get comfy in a hospital bed in a weird, not-too-homely delivery room.

After feeding our puppies and (oddly?) stopping to get petrol (oh that’s right, and my grape Hubba Bubba I all of a sudden needed) on the way back in, it seemed like forever until my husband was back by my side and finishing my hospital breakky, the start of which I’d already vomited into the bin. I was 3cm dilated when they checked at 7am and my waters were broken, super strong and regular contractions had started. I was still vomiting heaps and in loads of pain so they gave me the epi around 8.30am, it was pretty straightforward but really only took the edge off – I could still feel most pain and move my legs etc, not really what I thought an epidural would be like.

I was checked by the midwives again at 11am and was 7cm, I was told bub would definitely be here by lunch – no induction drugs necessary – woo hoo! I was totally doing this thing. But alas 3 hrs later I was still only 8cm, so they gave me the syntocinon drip anyway, and by now the epi was almost doing nothing, I was in so much pain – I begged the midwives for an hour and when he popped his head in for 2 seconds my OB finally topped me up and it was magic – no pain at all, now that’s what it’s supposed to be like!

I was finally ready to go now, but my obstetrician was held up with another lady (who I could hear screaming like a banshee across the hall, again I’m in opposite universe – exactly not what I wanted to hear right now), so it wasn’t til 3pm that he appeared and I started pushing. The previously non-existent epi was so good now that I couldn’t feel when to push, or whether the pushing was even working. Although no longer transverse, Clover was still posterior so we struggled to get her moving at all for a bit. My doctor decided to use a ventouse (vacuum) to assist her to come down, and unsurprisingly I needed an episiotomy – epidural or no, this still hurt like a bastard!

Side note: A lot of women would hesitate at the suggestion of either of these interventions, or even the induction itself, but I am one of those mums who puts themselves squarely under the control of their health care provider – this guy had delivered thousands of babies, I’d delivered precisely none – who was I to do anything other than exactly what he thought necessary? Plus I really don’t think positive thoughts and aromatherapy candles were going to shift this back-to-front and sideways lodged human from inside me.

So anyway, I blindly pushed for about an hour and was actually surprised she when came out – like I’m sure every pregnant woman probably does, I honestly thought she’d be in there forever! I’m not a pessimist at all, but the whole time, I was half expecting to be rushed off to theatre to have her cut from me. The fact that she wasn’t felt like some kind of human triumph – the whole experience very empowering.

As she was lifted up and placed on my chest, my husband cried (sorry buddy but it’s true) and she found the boob by herself pretty much straight away, she even got grumpy if we took her off (lil piggy)! I will never forget the seemingly never ending moment of staring into the huge dark blue eyes of my new creation, and the smell of her (it’s still fresh in my memory like it was yesterday). I barely noticed about a billion stitches being done down the business end (in the OB’s words “too many to count” – I certainly noticed them later haha) but she was and is so worth it, I feel truly blessed, there is simply nothing like this in the world.

Originally written 10 January 2012.

Is your baby crying more often than not? Not just crying because they’re hungry but really screaming, as if in pain? … All. The. Time? Are they (and you) waking frequently, like every two hours kind of frequently? Are they draining you to the point of physical exhaustion?

Yes, babies cry. Of course bringing a new life into this crazy world is exhausting. But if you’ve met all their physical needs and your newborn or infant is still stripping paint with their blood curdling screams, firstly, know you’re not alone. Secondly, take some comfort, if you can, that it is not normal.

Read that again – despite what all the counter-productive do-gooders will tell you – this is not normal.

People around you, the so called experts in particular, might try and normalise this behaviour, unintentionally giving you the feeling that as a mother you’ve somehow failed. That you aren’t meeting your child’s basic needs, whereas all the smiling mums at playgroup or drinking coffee around you with their seemingly perfect children in fact are.

You know what? It’s not you. That’s right. Some babies are actually broken. Do you know how I know? I had one. A broken baby. I thought my first baby was colicky. I thought for those first 8 weeks that I had to pace around the bedroom to get her to sleep, that she was difficult. She was briefly on Zantac and I took her to a chiropractor for reflux. I now know with hindsight that in actual fact, she was really quite awesome, and that yes, babies do just cry and have these little hurdles to get over in the early weeks of adjusting to this crazy world.

When baby number two came along I knew the difference. This was not normal. My baby was broken.  After being told by many people including my paediatrician that some babies are just cranky, I wanted to punch them. In my sleep deprived state, I would have easily been able to plead insanity and get away with it. This baby wasn’t cranky, something was wrong. In my case, after months of chasing answers with the steely determination that only a mother has, it turned out she had a posterior tongue tie and an upper lip tie – she couldn’t eat, and she was hungry all the time. That would make me pretty pissed too.

Day one of revising her tongue and lip by laser at just over three months, and I had a new, happy little person. The person I knew I was supposed to have, and she was just lovely.

So, don’t let anyone tell you some babies are cranky – there is a lovely person inside your cranky human just waiting to get out. I’m in a mummies group of 150 mums, with probably 400 odd babies and kids between them, it’s no surprise that the two crankiest babies in the bunch both turned out to be tied babies.

I’m not a medical expert and of course, it may not be a tongue or lip tie for you, it might be a food intolerance, or a banging headache from a traumatic assisted birth, an ear infection, or any number of other things that upset little ones. But don’t give up, your person wants you to help them be who they are meant to be.

Don’t forget to call on your ‘village’ to help and support you. Whether that’s family, friends or a Facebook support group, not only can they give you a break if you need it (even just to take a shower – let’s face it, you probably smell by now), or help cook a meal in your darkest moment, but you never know who has already been through this journey and may just point you toward your answer.

It will take time and unfortunately money you probably don’t have. Not to mention many late night sessions with Dr Google long after everyone in the house has gone to bed and your eyelids have turned to sandpaper. The medical profession and probably everyone else will say to avoid Google, but let me tell you, Dr Google was there for me when Dr Real World wasn’t. Dr Google, and believe it or not, even Dr Facebook are two of the reasons my small human is now on her road to recovery.

Good luck with your little bundle of ‘joy’, may he or she be gurgling and giggling at you very soon.

If you happen upon here now, please note all of my ramblings are drafts only until I get my site up and running with more content including images, prettiness etc. Feel free to contact me with suggestions on how to improve the site.

Who is this jerk that thinks people will want to read anything by her? Read more about me here.